Sex and the Single Girl

Being single... it's a mixed blessing really. There are some absolute fabulous things about being single. I like dating, meeting new people, flirting, not having to answer to anyone, being able to sleep, eat, and get dressed whenever I feel like it. Decorating, pets, and of course being able to watch whatever I want, see whatever movies I want and go to whatever events I want without compromise. That's been fun for me and I have to say being single this past New Year's Eve was one of my proudest moments.

Never in my life had I pictured myself so strong, so confident and so secure in myself. I've had adventures being single and I will always cherish them. That's not to say I'm getting married this weekend or anything, but in case you missed it, you can read this article on how I feel today about weddings and marriage, but for this article, lets stick with being single.

I never thought I was the type of woman who needed a man, or that I
had to go from one relationship to the next, but there have been some patterns that made me question, so when Tony and I ended things, I decided to deliberately be and stay single until at least January. I needed time for my heart to heal and I needed time to assess where I wanted to go from here.

I think sometimes we get into relationships for no other reason than we don't have a good reason not to. I know I've done that, so I put a little fence around my life and said no men, no dating, not until 2014. Now that I accomplished that and that my heart has healed; now that I've done the inner work I needed to do so that I understand myself and my needs better, it's time to get back out there. Not in an attempt to find a relationship, just so that I don't look up five years from now, have 12 cats and wonder, "Wait... what happened!?!?!

Let's get real here... I'm already a romance novelist... it's not that far of a stretch from there to crazy cat lady!!

So I'm doing the 50 day challenge, decided I'd focus on structure in my life. I feel like I have all the pieces of my life laid out on a table in front of me, but I need framework to put it together. The problem arose however after I had the structure I needed, I was nearly immediately resistant to it... sigh.

So I chased down those reasons and discovered it's a block in my sexuality that's causing my trouble, because if I breakthrough on this structure, two things happen...

1. I finish losing this weight, which I've already identified as a shield I use from men and sex
2. I'll end up in another relationship... which leads to sex and heartbreak.

Could be wrong about this, but when those are your two biggest fears, the universe is not going to be rushing to send you anyone you can build a relationship with. So I am now delving headlong into my sexuality, where it got broken and how.

**Content Warning - explicit content ahead**

I know part of it is that I can be quite shy and therefore rather inhibited in bed despite how my mind works and what I really want.The thing I know for sure is I am an extremely sexual person. In many ways it is the core of who I am, in part because it is also tied to the other two biggest things of my life, my creativity and my spirituality. I view myself quite like a being created to be sexual... and yet I've never truly embraced that. It may very well be the core of my truth and I've never embraced it.

Some of it is messages growing up about what a "good girl" does and doesn't do and lets just say it, I was raised by an extremely conservative woman. It's also 20 years of being married to a man who got overwhelmed by my passion and pushed me away repeatedly. I've come to believe I'm too much, my passion is too much and I'll be rejected if I show it.

Also, there's the concern about disappointing my partner. For instance, a weird quirk with me is with oral sex, don't get me wrong because I LOVE performing oral sex, it's one of my favorite things, but it's also the most intimate of acts to me. If I'm putting your cock in my mouth and letting you cum down my throat, I have to have a bond and a deep connection with you... so I feel like oral sex is off the table at the start and that's most guys main thing they want.

I feel like an extremely sexual and sensual woman, but I've never had a chance to really explore, so I guess what I'd like to see change is that when I get intimate with a man, I don't feel inhibited. I don't worry about disappointing him. I don't worry about if he thinks I'm too over weight or too passionate or too... whatever...

I can be quite adventurous when I feel safe with my partner, I'm more inhibited in just letting my walls down to begin with. I feel uncomfortable, like a disappointment and like I should apologize before anything ever really happens. I think I know where that comes from, I think it's insecurities developed through rejection which we all experience, but I tend to be a perfectionist, especially when something is important to me, and sex is important to me.

At the end of the day, I want to relax about all this. I want to develop in my sex life what I've developed in the rest of my life, the ability to go forward thinking, This is me, I can give you amazing things, let me share myself with you, and just be in the moment.

This is a bit daunting for me, but a bit exciting as well. This is my truth though and I won't be whole until I can embrace all of it.