"The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it is not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of the other person – without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other."
~Osho
I can't tell you how deeply these words resonate with me. This is what I have been doing these past few months. After Tony, I was determined to stay single, not because I didn't want another broken heart, but because I had to know that I could. I've never been single for very long in life and I needed to know that I could be alone and be happy. New Year's Eve was such a big test of that, I spent the entire night by myself out at Disney World. I had dinner by myself and met the most wonderful little family who I still keep in touch with. I watched music by myself. I went through the countdown by myself. I danced at midnight in a crowd of people by myself... and I kid you not, I was never happier.
It wasn't the absence of a man that made me happy, but that
in the absence of a man I still lived my life. I've done more things in the past few months, Michael Buble concert, Nude Nite, The Wine and Food Festival, Plays, Disney, Movies... sometimes with new friends that I'm building relationships with, but often by myself. I have absolutely learned in the past few months that I am 100% solid on my own and that is one of the most incredible lessons of my life.
Being with Tony taught me how to love wholly and fully without the need or expectation of reciprocity. Being without Tony has taught me to love myself. I've learned to live my life without waiting for the next guy, or next friend to come along. No it's not always my preference to do something alone, but the fact that I can thrills me to my soul!
I've always had the inclination to grow co-dependent, my mother taught me this trait and I tried to unlearn it while I was married, but I still fear being a couple and not losing myself. I fear it to the point that I find myself thinking it's better to just stay single than to try... then I wonder who are you!?! I don't run away from things and this may be hard for me, but so was learning to be okay single. Now it's time to learn to be one half of a couple, but a whole half, if that makes sense.
I realize now, without doubt, that I'm ready to open my heart again and more I want to. I'm ready to fall in love, find happiness and share that with someone.
We are resilient, we humans... we can survive the most stunning atrocities and come through stronger for it. Broken hearts, though they may seem like a small thing, the wounds go as deep as a wound can go and it's hard to risk yourself again, open yourself up for that kind of pain... but I think what I've learned, is that I can. I can give all of myself to someone, have them say, no I don't want it... survive that and try again. That's remarkable.
I knew at the end of last year, I just felt it, that this would be the year I finally met him, the one I'm going to do right. He won't be perfect, I won't be perfect, but whoever he is and wherever he comes from, we're going to fit together unlike any relationship I've ever been in and I know this because of who I've become. I have far smoother connectors than ever and I've learned enough about what I want and don't and what I'll accept and what I won't to make this next relationship, the one that sticks.
I'm excited. I've actually achieved single and satisfied... Now I'm ready for what comes next. ;-)
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