Sex, Self Worth, & Soul Mates

I believe when you meet the person who fits you, that person who you can give everything to, because they in return give you everything, that sex becomes more than the physical, that our lives become more than comfortable, that what we are capable of is more than we imagined.

I believe too often we settle for what's comfortable when we could have what's remarkable.

I believe if that thing our soul seeks wasn't so rare or was easy to find, we'd all have it, then what would it truly be worth?

I believe when we risk, when we reach, when we overcome our fears, we achieve the miraculous.

As many of you may know, I've been exploring the avenues of dominance and submission of late. D/s is not merely about the physical for me, it goes much deeper. I'm a strong woman who is perfectly capable of handling my life on my own. However, I love being submissive because when I'm with the right dom, his safety and protection allows me to reach farther, soar higher, and achieve so much more than I ever could on my own. The satisfaction I find in his dominance, feeds my soul, filling in all the breaks and cracks that life has dealt me. With him, I truly am whole and I think that's exactly how it should work.

However...
As I've been spending more time in bdsm communities, I run into more women every day who are broken by life's experiences and our society's ingrained messages of what a woman should, and should not, be and what constitutes success in life. This really seems to surface with how we as women relate to men and how we navigate our sexuality.

Don't get me wrong, I'm big on embracing your sexuality and I think men are fabulous, but too many girls and women try to find their worth through giving their bodies to men. They want a man to validate them as human beings or somehow, especially through D/s, want their dom to heal all that ails them. They think that submission is the answer to the pain in their lives and that isn't the case. If you are broken before you come to D/s, you'll be just as broken in it. The problem there is that in the vanilla world, a woman looking for a man to complete them, to heal them, to give them some sense of worth, oftentimes attracts an abuser. In the BDSM world, things are intensified, magnified, and though there are many wonderful people who practice this lifestyle, there are many sharks in the water as well and a woman who has no concept of her own self worth is truly playing with fire in this arena.

When you hunger for approval from someone outside yourself, you will not find your balance or your own imperfect perfection. We have to look inwards to find what we need and who we are, not outward... and for many women, sex isn't even enjoyable, it's simply something they agree to because they think of it as some sort of an exchange. I give you my body, you give me a moment of feeling acceptable. That is never going to work and in truth, it feeds a vicious circle. Every time you give yourself to anyone in the hopes of receiving a boost to your self worth, you are in reality feeding that self worth to an insatiable beast that will never be satisfied and in the end, leave you desolate.

I see so many women in their 30s and 40s who are out of marriages that at best, simply didn't meet their needs, and at worst have decimated their esteem.  They long to find satisfying sexual relationships, but the constant message of our society that sex is "simply about the physical" leads these women to think the fact they can't find that level of satisfaction they seek means there's something broken in them.  I find personally that at this time of my life, I can enjoy my sexuality because I've learned who I am, because I have learned, and continue to learn, what I want, and what I need. I stay in charge of my body and that gives me strength. When I share myself with a man, I'm doing it for my own needs, not in the hopes of gaining some sort of feeling of being wanted or appreciated from him. That makes a huge difference.

Lets face it, truth is, men and women always have, and always will, view sex differently. That's great! We should, we are very different creatures. It's far more physical for them, and though yes we are capable of enjoying the physical, we don't find that level of satisfaction we crave without some type of other connection. It doesn't mean we have to be in love, married, or find the man in question to be "the one." However we do need more than a meaningless hook-up most of the time. If you feel that way, be honest about it and don't use your body in some hopeless pursuit of self worth in the arms of a man who will never even understand that was supposed to be what he gave you. It isn't fair to him, and it isn't fair to you.

As a woman, you are created in beauty. You have so much worth simply in who you are. Your femininity is a sought after prize. We all have unique gifts. We all have unique views. The world is a harsh place, but what I know for certain, is that as a woman, when you find the ability to stand strong in who you truly are, not only do you get everything you need, but we have the ability to give the men in our lives the thing they desire most and its not sex, it's genuine acceptance for everything they are.

What we all seem to be missing is that a man and a woman are meant to balance one another, not compete. They are meant to give to each other of their essence not take. You are damaged, accept that, internalize it, be honest about it, don't go out into the world and expect someone else to fix it. You have the power, the wisdom and the ability to heal. You have the compassion and grace to see that men are hurting just as much as we are. Don't expect them to be perfect, don't expect them to be your savior, oh but do let them be your protector, your hero...

On the quest for a soul mate, be honest, be patient, and look inside because your answers are there and you won't ever meet that exact match for your soul, unless and until you've come to know, appreciate and even love, the real you in all your beauty, flaws and all.